


Strong Enough

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Canon Rewrite, Heavy Angst, M/M, POV Poe Dameron, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 16:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: What if the toughest thing that Poe had to face wasn’t Holdo, but Kylo Ren?





	Strong Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Special thanks to telekinetic_hedgehog for helping me with some of this.
> 
> Also, based on a stupid comment of Rian Johnson’s (among many) where he thought Holdo was basically the toughest thing Poe had to face because of feminine energy, when really, it would be the man who tortured Poe that would be the toughest thing Poe had to face. IMHO.

Poe can’t sleep.

It’s one of those things that ever since the battle of Starkiller Base, ever since everything that happened to him, he just can’t sleep. They’re preparing for Han Solo’s funeral tomorrow as well as the evacuation of D’Qar (they may have destroyed Starkiller Base, but the First Order’s only angrier and wants their destruction). Poe has to get all the sleep he can get. But he can’t close his eyes.

When he closes his eyes, he feels Kylo Ren’s mental tentacles all but tearing down his defenses. He feels everything, and it hurts, all these memories being all but yanked out of him. Memories of Ben, of his family, of so many other things.

He hates Kylo Ren. Hates him enough for it to turn into a wildfire of rage, and the only thing that calms the wildfire is the knowledge that Ren will be in a prison cell soon enough.

What he can’t quite calm is hating himself. The fact that he betrayed valuable information to the Resistance, and granted, Kylo didn’t find the last piece of the map to Luke, but Poe still feels like a failure. Like it’s his fault.

***

It’s after the funeral that Jess turns to look at Poe. “You okay?”

”Yeah,” Poe finally manages to say. “I am.” He takes a deep, shaky breath. “I didn’t sleep well last night.”

”Nightmares? About Kylo?”

Poe nods, if hesitantly.

Jess sighs. “That son of a schutta,” she says, “Is going to pay for what he did. To you being one of them. He’s a monster, through and through. I’m sorry, Poe.”

There’s something about Jess’ company that is stabilizing, for what it’s worth. Poe can’t help but feel grateful for people like Jess in times like this. People like Jess...you need to hold onto them because you never know when you’re falling apart and they’re the glue holding you together.

Poe smiles over at her. “Thank you,” he says. “Thank you.”

***

It’s after his stunt with the dreadnought that Poe’s demoted. Not before being slapped, of course. Even as she slaps him, Poe can’t help but think of one of the stormtroopers who tortured him doing the same, and he finds himself saying, “I won’t give you the map.”

Leia draws back, clearly horrified, confused, and Poe hears the murmurs on the bridge, murmurs of shock at what’s happened to Poe. “Poe...” she begins. 

“I have to go,” Poe says, and he walks away, trying to regain his breath and remember where he is. He’s on the _Raddus._ He’s safe. 

Relatively. 

He forces air into his lungs, trying to reassure himself that he’s okay, he’s safe. It isn’t comforting. Not enough, that is. 

***

The First Order finds them even through hyperspace. Poe has to spring into action, just to defend the ship. He manages to shoot down a few TIE fighters, and he’s on the tail of three TIE fighters that head to the bridge of the _Raddus,_ where the General is. 

Poe follows them. Shoots one down, the center one turning around to fight against him. 

Poe fires. The TIE fighter activates its shields. Poe can’t see the man in the TIE fighter, but he swears he sees...

Ben? 

He hesitates. He’s hallucinating, isn’t he? 

They both escape the _Raddus_ just in time for it to explode. The General survives in time, but she’s unconscious. 

Poe only wonders, later, watching General Organa being carted off to medbay, what to do now. 

***

Amilyn Holdo comes in to assist the Resistance. She’s apparently a good friend of Leia’s, and so she’s a good choice. Holdo isn’t what Poe was expecting, admittedly. Purple hair and a purple dress? She looks more like a dignitary than an Admiral, but then again, Poe knows that looks can be deceiving. Besides, they need all the help they can get. 

***

They have to get the evacuation under control. Holdo’s more than willing to help, of course — together, Poe reflects, they make a great team. He can hope that Crait can keep them safe, for the moment. 

Holdo looks over at him. “You look like you haven’t been sleeping well,” she says. 

Poe sighs. “Fine,” he says. “I’m fine.”

”I don’t blame you,” Holdo says. “I remember when General Organa first escaped torture by Darth Vader.” She closes her eyes, as if painfully remembering the aftereffects of that day. “You were brave, you know. The fact that he yanked that information from your head was not your fault. I doubt very few people could hold their ground against a Force user.”

”I suppose.” Poe still feels, admittedly, weak. 

“You were brave, Poe. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

Maybe, Poe thinks, despite Holdo being a bit odd, she’s not that bad after all. 

***

It’s after a few days or so that the First Order finds them. 

It’s Poe’s turn to play Resistance leader. He has always known that this day would come; he just hopes that he can honor it, at least. The General’s been preparing him for this position ever since he joined the Resistance.

(Part of him wonders if it’s because she’s trying to replace her son — in a way, for some reason — but he stuffs that part of him down)

He faces the First Order AT-ATs that are coming up on the horizon, and he refuses to back down.  

***

It’s later, seeing Kylo across the salt plains of Crait that Poe feels like he’s been struck in the chest. Because the man across the battlefield is Ben Solo.

Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are one and the same.

Poe feels like he’s been ruthlessly ripped apart, like his heart’s been shredded into little tiny pieces that can’t be put together again. It can’t be. The boy that he loved so much, Kylo Ren? The man who tortured him? The man who did so much evil, so much wrong?

He tries to keep himself calm. Tries to, stars willing. But it’s like his heart has shattered all over again and nothing can mend it.

***

_It’s after yet another nightmare that Ben goes to see Poe._

_“I’m crazy, Poe. Or I’m falling to the Dark Side. Or something...” Ben wets his lips; Poe doesn’t think that he’s seen his lover more agitated, or afraid. He takes Ben’s hands, struck by how vulnerable Ben seems in that moment. For someone so muscular and strong, Ben can seem about as fragile as transparisteel. “I just want it to stop...”_

_”Ben. My Ben...” He looks deep into Ben’s eyes, perhaps the most beautiful pair of brown eyes he’s ever seen. “You’re not falling to the Dark Side. Having nightmares doesn’t mean you’re falling. You’re a good person. You truly are.”_

_”I’m afraid.”_

_”I’m here, Ben. I love you.” Poe smiles at him, warmly. “And I’ll never let you go.”_

_He draws Ben into his arms, and there’s something about the press of Ben’s body against his own that’s cooling, calming. Ben murmurs something nonsensical and loving into Poe’s neck, and Poe promises to keep the boy he loves safe._

***

_Ben (nineteen, beautiful) is smelling of smoke and ash when he goes to see Poe at his house. It’s such a relief to see his lover that Poe draws him in close for an embrace, and though he wonders why smoke and ash is practically clinging to Ben’s clothes, it doesn’t matter. (In hindsight, it should have mattered, but Poe isn’t perfect)_

_”Ben!” Poe says. “Thank the stars...”_

_Ben nuzzles him, in one of those almost lothcat-like motions that Poe loves so well. Eventually, he draws away, though he still holds onto Poe’s arms, if gently. It’s odd that even though Ben’s the more vulnerable of the pair, he treats Poe so gently, treats him like he’s made of transparisteel and will shatter if Ben’s careless in any way._

_(It really does contrast to when Ben later tortures Poe, stripping away memory after memory, but that’s not until later. Not until they meet again, as enemies rather than lovers and Kylo is nothing more than a mask for Poe)_

_”Poe,” Ben says. “I have to leave.”_

_”Why?” Poe says._

_“I’m in danger,” Ben says, “My uncle...” He hesitates, almost as if wondering what to tell Poe. Then, “There’s a man. He’ll find a way to keep me safe. He’s a visionary, Poe. A master.” His voice becomes more impassioned then, before dropping back to a softer tone. “I have to leave you. I don’t know when, or if, I’ll return.”_

_”I’ll go with you,” Poe says, almost on impulse._

_Ben looks at him, and Poe swears that there’s a flash of pain in his eyes. “I don’t think you can follow me this time.”_

_”I want you safe.”_

_Ben smiles, with just a hint of sadness in there. “I want you safe too. My Poe. No matter what.”_

_Silence falls._

_“Poe...no matter what happens, I’ll always love you. You’re the best thing that happened to me in my whole kriffed-up life, and...” Ben swallows. “You’re mine, you understand? You’ll always be mine. No matter where I go, or where you go, you’ll always be the love of my life.”_

_”Yes, Ben. And you’ll always be mine.”_

_Mine. What a word, with so much weight behind it. What a word, with so much promise. A bond that could never be broken._

_Ben kisses Poe lightly at first, before the kiss gets heavier, more feeling. Eventually, Ben draws away. His lips are swollen, and Poe has a feeling he’ll feel Ben’s kisses for quite a while._

_“Goodbye, Poe.”_

_Ben leaves, and Poe is left alone at his house, his heart in pieces._

***

“Poe?” Finn says softly. “It’s okay. If he tries to hurt you again, he’ll have to go through me.”

”All of us,” Snap says.

Poe nods. He doesn’t doubt their loyalty. Not in the slightest. It’s himself he doubts. He doesn’t know whether to love or hate Kylo Ren. 

Maybe he can do both. Love Ben Solo, hate Kylo Ren. 

Luke’s gone. Vanished. Now Kylo stands before them, and he looks vulnerable. For a moment, Poe wonders if he can see Ben Solo in there, just for a while. 

Then Kylo turns towards his soldiers and orders them towards the base, and Poe knows that they have to run. 

If not for the girl, Rey, and the crystal foxes, Poe doubts they would have made it out in time. He’s grateful, incredibly grateful, even in the midst of the grief he feels. 

***

Poe should be thinking of Kylo Ren’s numerous misdeeds as they head into the Falcon. Instead, he remembers something else:

_Ben’s eighteen and Poe twenty-one when they have their first time. It’s awkward but happy, and it’s afterwards that Ben lies with him, tentatively reaching over to touch him like he’s scared of being rejected. Poe smiles and accepts the touch, accepts Ben nuzzling against him like a lothcat. It’s quite cute, actually, if also sad — Ben is so starved of affection and praise that he’s willing to go even for scraps. (Of his family, only his father gives him consistent affection) Poe doesn’t just want to give him morsels of affection; he wants to give Ben everything._

_“Poe.” Even hearing Poe’s name, just a syllable, in Ben’s almost angelic voice is enough to make Poe’s heart break because it sounds so plaintive. “Do you love me?”_

_Poe turns to look at Ben. “I do.”_

_”I love you.” Ben’s voice is a murmur, gentle, soft. “I can’t believe I’m yours — how did I get so lucky to be yours?”_

_”I know.” Poe doesn’t know how he got so lucky either._

_”You’re beautiful, you’re loving, you’re caring, you’re funny, you’re so pure. You could have anyone you wanted, and I — ’’_

_”Shhhhh.” Poe kisses Ben, cutting him off before he can say something terrible about himself that’s not true. “I’m not perfect, Ben. I’m as flawed as the next sentient being.”_

_”You have details, not flaws.” Ben nuzzles him again._

_“Mmmmm?”_

_”You’re so beautiful.” Ben kisses him. “I want to know everything about you. Everything you are. Everything.”_

_”Besides what you already know?” Poe says._

_“Besides that.” Ben leans in to kiss Poe again. “I want to know everything.”_

***

It’s on the way away from Crait that everything finally crashes down on Poe. Everything. Every death, everything that happened. And now, learning about what happened to Ben. Learning that he, of all beings, was Kylo Ren. The man who killed his father. The man who tortured Poe, and Rey, and gave Finn his scars. The man who did so many terrible things. Now Poe’s lying in bed, feeling like they’ve just entered a swathe of endless night. His swathe of endless night. He’s trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Ben is Kylo Ren, and he doubts he’ll ever manage.

Maybe one of the worst parts is that Poe doesn’t know whether to love him or hate him. He hates him. He loves him. He can’t say anything about it, lest he not find the right words.

”Poe?”

Leia’s voice. Poe sits up in that moment, and looks up at her, feeling anger bubbling to the surface despite himself. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“About Ben?” Leia sighs. “I couldn’t find the right way to tell you. I wish I could have.”

“I could have taken it!” Poe says.

”Could you?” Leia says. There’s some compassion in her voice, but it still makes Poe angry.

”I was mourning him!” Poe says. “I...” I loved him so much. He pauses. He doesn’t want to have nearly admitted to Leia Organa that he loved her son.

Leia seems to sense it at least. She sighs. “I know you mourned him. You think you were the only one?”

”No, but — ’’

“I did too.” Leia sighs. “I thought I could save him, but — ’’

”He can be saved. And I’m going to do it. Ben Solo’s still got to be in there, and I won’t let him die.”

Poe doesn’t know where he’s going to begin. But he knows that he has to save Ben Solo, save the boy he loves, no matter what it takes. 


End file.
